i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
