There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Just high enough for therapy.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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