dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
