i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
do herpes really smell.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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