textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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