Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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