i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
