Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
