We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
