I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
