when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
