i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I cut my penus on the lid.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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