Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
