Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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