JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Randomize
