I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
