I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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