the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
