Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
