i think my tv is drunk
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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