Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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