theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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