birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
