I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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