Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
