well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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