I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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