he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
