There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
