this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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