She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I understand Curling. That high.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
