Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
