I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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