I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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