TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
