she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
