My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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