I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
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