Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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