so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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