My hand turned me down
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
