Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
