Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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