If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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