Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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