got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
