i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
