I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I'm passing your future prison.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
