Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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