My balls are so social today.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
