Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
