I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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