yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
