I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
