Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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