good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
