i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
