I met the friendliest cop last night
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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