Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Sorry about my life...
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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