So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I don't deserve a penis
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
