Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
